a deep-rooted disquiet

About as personal as it gets.

In exactly 4 days I’m catching a flight and heading out to visit Arizona to look for an area I want to move to. This is a crucial and overdue step forward for me. 

So when I get a call from him and it is the first time he’s made contact in 4 years, I have to wonder if there’s isn’t something a little bit cosmic about it. 

I can’t decide if it’s punishment, reward or final test. 

Could be that for all the unpleasantness that I caused while I was self-destructing it’s some kind of punishment to know that the only person who still thinks of me with any fondness is the same person I could never count on. 

Or entirely on the contrary is it reward for nearly a decade of patience with him? Time and life finally in sync in the offer of opportunity?

I like a safe bet, and so smart money is on final test. The chance to cut ties and come clean. A purging of the person who personifies a worse version of myself.

When I go to sleep afterwards anxious and dream of meth addicts and dog carcasses, I can’t help but think that tells me everything I need to know about what is left between us.